Hey you all, the November Family Funnies are now up and ready for reading. Stop by for great collection of fun reads right here. If you haven’t submitted yet, I am doing a December Family Funnies Carnival so you are in luck. Go to the submission section on the right sidebar of this blog. Thanks!
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For almost as long as I can remember, I've been a fan of the classic era of comedians that emerged from vaudeville. I am a huge fan of Chaplin, The Marx Brothers, Fibber McGee and Molly, and Abbott and Costello. I used to sit up late into the night with a Walkman and tapes of old time radio shows and try and contain my laughter since I was supposed to be asleep. If any comedians could break me
There is nothing like a funny photo or two to cheer you up, and these pics certainly qualify:Roller Coaster FearTalk about a picture that says a thousand words! This poor little girl looks absolutely petrified. What do you want to bet she has nightmares over this ride?Poor young thing! Don't you know you are supposed to enjoy riding the roller coaster? This is a funny photo though.But...where do y
Welcome back to Sunday Funnies. Today I got a chance to take a look at a type of Italian film I haven't seen before, the Italian sex comedy. I've been quite obsessed with flicks from the land that looks like boot lately, and I wanted to take a break from the guts and gore to explore the lighter side. Well, that's one reason. The other is the presence of the lovely Edwige Fenech, and the guarantee
Hello and welcome to the last new feature I'm rolling out. The weekend is a time to sit back and relax, but it always comes to a close. With Monday looming on the horizon and the work week ready to begin again, it's the perfect time to raise your spirits with a funny flick. So each Sunday that's what The Bug will be bringing to you.For the inaugural edition, I felt it was only appropriate to star
So, this is too funny. I mean, you could argue that there are more important things to discuss, but really church signs are pretty outdated anyway, so they may as well be a medium for healthy theological debate.BTW, I used to go to a Cumberland Presbyterian Church when I was in high school. I have no idea what their theology actually is, but I guess it's evident from this where they stand on dog
Welcome to Friday Funnies, hosted by Kim at Homesteader's Heart. Even though I don't usually participate, I read every one just to hang my frown upside down. There are some laugh out loud funny ones! Anyway, I thought I'd join the fun today. * Attention children ...the bathroom door is...Read the whole entry »• Email to a friend • Article Search • Related •
Yep, it’s that magical time - Family Funnies carnival time. You HAVE to go to the first post and watch this YouTube video. It is without words but will make you chuckle and fill you with wonder. It was really great - so go! Enjoy!
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There's been lots of comment in reports about 'things we don't do in British elections' — y'know, head-to-head debates and the like — here's another thing: roasts:I don't want it getting out of this room but my opponent is an impressive fellow in many ways. Political opponents can have a little trouble seeing the best in each other. But I have had a few glimpses of this man at his best. And I
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About the artist:
Emma Holister is self-taught apart from a brief waft through Central St. Martins, London (92-93) where she attended a one year post-graduate course in painting.
She is English, speaks several languages, has travelled fairly widely and prefers to live in most places other than England.
She has generally exhibited in most of [...]
If only my roommate and I could find a microwave small enough to fit in our kitchen.A coworker emailed me a link to this today and said we should try it in the office. After watching the online video of popcorn kernels seemingly being popped by cellular electromagnetic radiation, I was overcome by the euphoria of having freshly popped popcorn at home with the roomie.Unfortunately, Snopes.com kille
Actual SAT Test Answers in Arkansas
S.A.T. TEST QUESTIONS
The following questions and answers were actually collected from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16-year-old students! (Don't laugh too hard----one of these kids may be the US President someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus."It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said."Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?""Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check." _________________________________
I found these both particularly amusing, though I don't have much to say about either of them.Cow and Boy:Being a college student myself, and hoping I won't have to ask myself those questions that Cow is asking, I found it quite amusing as well as scary.Close To Home:Any joke involving crazy stuff made in shop class is funny in my book, so makeshift braces are just hilarious.
Living in Bushwick, Brooklyn provides a constant stream of amusement. From the hip streetwear kids to the Puerto Rican snowcone vendors, Bushwick has it’s own special charm. I get the biggest kick from turning a corner and hearing the faint sound of a ghetto beat ice cream truck. You might be wondering what a ghetto beat [...]
The July 2008 Family Funnies are now available. Thank you to all those contributors who submitted their entries - they are so appreciated.
There are some super cute and very funny entries this month, as usual. Please give them a read and leave a comment or two. Enjoy!
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“Everything being a constant carnival, there is no carnival left.” ~ Victor Hugo
Reading the Funnies Watercolor on Plate Bristol paperBlogging this from Alaska... no scanner, so a snapshot of the painting will have to suffice. The reference for this watercolor is a portion of a family photo (taken in about 1945) of my dad's mom and older sister. I love photos from this era as painting subjects, and the people in the images are so dear to me, it's a pleasure to be thinking abo
I have stop writting in this blog. because of google dropping my rank so I have my to my other blog www.Makefunnies.com It is still the same stuff that i was doing in this blog. So if you like this blog please see my other blog. I will try to make it funny for you.
You might be tired now after work or just now got up in morning and looking for something fresh or in a break in work… Hoping to read some funny stuffs?? Then just read these jokes and see the smile on your face!!!!********** My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.**********Marriage is a threering circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and su
Everyone, all over the world, is being hit with the recent fuel crisis. Here in the UK, we can hardly afford to take our vehicles anywhere, let alone heat our homes. The government tax us heavily on it, and the major oil companies rip us off at every opportunity.
Below is a selection of [...]
This is brought to you by Spider LOC and 40 Glocc, two underrated... I can't front. I don't really like either one of 'em. Just my preference. SPI is stranded on the Unit and Glocc is cool in person but when's his shit comin out either? Even Rakim recognized that he had a good thing going with Dr. Dre but his shit wasn't coming out... But this shit is hilarious... They got Too $hort DOWN. And I
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This is brought to you by Spider LOC and 40 Glocc, two underrated... I can't front. I don't really like either one of 'em. Just my preference. SPI is stranded on the Unit and Glocc is cool in person but when's his shit comin out either? Even Rakim recognized that he had a good thing going with Dr. Dre but his shit wasn't coming out... But this shit is hilarious... They got Too $hort DOWN. And I lo
The June Family Funnies Carnival is now alive and posted. Please hop over and read these funny, cute and most certainly entertaining blog posts about family life. I do so enjoy reading the submissions when they come in and hope you do too.
And if you really like them, feel free to submit your blog post about your kids, parenting or the like for the upcoming July edition.
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I get a lot of "funny" emails. Some are and most aren't. This is a funny one and I will consider it philosophic.1. A day without sunshine is like night.2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.6. He who laughs last thinks s
I hate that I am writing this so late, but work has been a monster lately and that is another blog in itself. With that said, we need to get this show on the road. Once again this week, it seems to be a little difficult in finding jokes and humor to make people laugh. I could fill a page with Rick's stuff, but what fun is that.
I did find some worth noting though and I will expose the victims colp
It is that time again. Time to go plundering through the halls of ActiveRain looking for all those funny people and exposing them. Today, I really got a kick out of finding some of these jokes and humorous post. I hope that you enjoy them as much as I did. And I hope that we can continue to find some of these because we all need to be able to laugh a time or two.
Also, if you would like to read so
This one is funny enough that it can stand on its own!
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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints...
NOT RECOMMENDED FOR THE OVERLY RELIGIOUS, POLITICAL OR STUPID!
It has been a while since I did one of these and I am going to make a few changes to it. Going forward they will have none of my post on it and I will be featuring 10 different writers that are full of jokes, humor, laughter, and funny stuff. It is fun putting this stiff together and I have to thank my good friend Rick for prodding me to do this a long time ago. Well, he and Rich Dansereau have be
SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2....
NOT RECOMMENDED FOR THE OVERLY RELIGIOUS, POLITICAL OR STUPID!
There are some goodies this month on the Family Funnies carnival I am hosting - check them out here.
And today my niece showed me her newly painted room. On the wall, she pointed out her favorite saying to me, which is coincidently, today’s quote.
“Character is what you do when no one else is watching.”
I [...]
I don't know if this is all that funny or maybe just amazing and incredible, but whatever it is, it sure made me sit up and take notice.
Forget Elton John's "Rocket Man" or "The Radar Men From the...
NOT RECOMMENDED FOR THE OVERLY RELIGIOUS, POLITICAL OR STUPID!
This is dedicated to Sandy Knauer. (To help you lighten up a little!)
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One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in...
NOT RECOMMENDED FOR THE OVERLY RELIGIOUS, POLITICAL OR STUPID!
I read many blogs and I found this one by Alex Barger. On his blog Cruzinthegalaxie is a pretty funny one and I wanted to make sure I gave him credit for this. Here is this image.
Funny and ironic all at once.
I had my first Guest Post on Average Dudes posted. It is the Dumbass’s [...]
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the
patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks
and looked through...
NOT RECOMMENDED FOR THE OVERLY RELIGIOUS, POLITICAL OR STUPID!
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!"...
NOT RECOMMENDED FOR THE OVERLY RELIGIOUS, POLITICAL OR STUPID!
What Do Retired People Do All Day?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went...
NOT RECOMMENDED FOR THE OVERLY RELIGIOUS, POLITICAL OR STUPID!
The April edition of the Motherwise Family Funnies are online now so please stop by and enjoy the things that keep moms and dads smiling.
I also made it into the Buffalo News this weekend in an article where I sing the praises of small town life. Check it out here. People in town liked it. I was afraid they would ostacize me. (More than usual.)
Right now I am stressing because [...]
Who said Scottish Romance is dead! These are REAL ADS from the Lonely-hearts column.
1. Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably...
NOT RECOMMENDED FOR THE OVERLY RELIGIOUS, POLITICAL OR STUPID!
I know that I did not do this last week and I apologize as I know that some of you look forward to this post. So, I thought that I would make sure that I revisited it today. I have to thank Rich Dansereau though as he constantly is sending me blogs that he reads that fit into this. I also want to thank Brande Bradford for the slight nudge that she gave me last week in reference to this post. So, lets get started.CHRISTINA WILLIAMS helps diagnosis us withDo you have BLOGOHOLISM?Dorene Shirley eases the Tuesday pain withA Few Golf Jokes to Ease into a Hectic Tuesday...Lissa Uder fends off theEvil Mutant Attack SquirrelPam Mabe helps withMedical Test - Just for funDanny Thornton tells about the Policemen - today's funnyRobert Machado talks aboutCity Workers Putting in a Hard Days WorkBrigita
I stumbled upon this interracial story in an illustrated comic format and thought I'd share.Enjoy!Teen Love Story (keep clicking "next" to get the entire story)
Google does it every year, and every year I'm amazing. This year they've propose a 100 year mission to establish a colony on mars called Virgle. How do they come up with these ideas? They're geniuses, that's how. It's Google. You can't go wrong with Google.The other funny is that apparently George W. Bush, our retarded President, and Tony Blair, who is at least only partially retarded, but clearly a genius in comparison to Bush, have been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize, at least according to the BBC. Now, either this is the most brilliant April Fool's joke EVER, or someone is really so stupid to think they deserve such a prestigious award. I'm hoping for the former, 'cause it's funny as all hell.Regularly blogging, writing, reading, etc. will resume by tomorrow and an interview s
Anyone who has seen the movie "Meet Joe Black" will understand how nervous I got this morning when I received a message from "Blog Catalogue" that "Joe Black" has added me to his list of friends....
NOT RECOMMENDED FOR THE OVERLY RELIGIOUS, POLITICAL OR STUPID!
Happy Easter to all the Christians! As for the rest of you, just another day! But we are going to try and brighten it up for all of you...
NOT RECOMMENDED FOR THE OVERLY RELIGIOUS, POLITICAL OR STUPID!
In today's times, we need to be able to laugh. I have found 7 different members that over the last week, they attempted that very thing. Some of these will just make you roll on the floor and laugh out loud. All of them are funny in there own way.I appreciate all the people that tag their post too as it makes it easier for me to find them. I am sure that there are a lot that I am missing. With that said, get started on reading these funnies and if they make you smile, tell the blogger. I am sure they want to know. Also, click on the picture to the left to take a ride through space and time to a new frontier. Elaine A. Cook-Bellingham Real Estate shares with us: This really is funny! PricelessJennifer Dahl - Mansfield TX Homes / Arlington TX Homes loosens things up on Friday with:TGIF
Another 30 second clip of some funnier sides to Linux life. It’s not always serious you know!
Linux is fun because you can do more with it. Just see the video below…
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addthis_url = 'http%3A%2F%2Fubuntulinuxhelp.com%2F30-seconds-of-linux-funnies%2F';
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DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,'Daddy,
look at this' , and...
NOT RECOMMENDED FOR THE OVERLY RELIGIOUS, POLITICAL OR STUPID!
From an e-mail I got a while back…
Ever spoken and wished you could take the words back, or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are a few people who did
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I asked my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggested I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a ca
Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet ...'Well, fuckin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!'------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear Safety Harbor Middle School :God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her o
Here are some Gems I received this week!
Enjoy!
Son asked his mother the following question:"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends...
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.''You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'The bloke perks up at this.'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch on
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live. Accidents don't just happen. They must be carelessly planned. If money could talk, it would say: goodbye. If nobody knows the troubles you've seen, - then you don't live in a small town. If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand - we'd be so simple we couldn't understand. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements. Pain and Suffering is inevitable but Misery is optional. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push. The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra. There are three dimensions to credit cards, length, width and debt. You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, - it was probably wort
I heard about this guy who broke into a lion's den at the zoo and got mauled and people were talking about how there should have been better defenses put up to prevent people getting into the cage. A friend of mine suggested setting up some kind of deterrent, for example, putting some sort of fierce animal in the cage, which would attack anybody who climbed in!-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------George Carlin, whose wife recently passed away, wrote the following eloquent and appropriate piece on our times: The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, moreknowledge , but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much
Famous Quotations1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem? 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. 3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father. 4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. 5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder. 6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. 7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way. 8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fir
When he’s not lying, screwing things up, or clubbing a hornet nest, the president can be funny. Watch the video this week and you can laugh with him and at him. This one is a collection of all sorts of over the top behavior in speeches, including winking, stuttering, jokes, and unintended innuendo. Some of [...]
The site was down yesterday so this is the Monday Morning News.Noah's Ark In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard- but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Permit and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.""My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal t
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?He's all right now---------Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?He was buttering up his teacher.---------How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?With a pumpkin patch.---------What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?"Don't spook until you're spooken to."---------What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley?I'm bone to be wild.---------What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?A holy terror.
Today we celebrate the difference between men and women! Vive la Difference!WHEN WOMEN TAKE A SHOWER!Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.WHEN MEN HAVE A SHOWER!Takeoff clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!' So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, 'I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in... Dey make you wild at sex. 'The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the shopkeeper, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak? 'The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do nutting cept try dem on. 'So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him v
Actual call center conversations!Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?"Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"Customer: "It's on the door of your business."Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."Samsung Electronics!Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall, sir."Car DealerCaller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )"If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"Directory EnquiriesCaller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"Operator: "I'm
I GIVE THIS BLOG A FIVE OUT OF TEN BUT WHAT THE HELL, YOU CAN'T HIT A HOME RUN EVERY TIME AT BAT, CAN YOU THERE BUNKY!No one knows when the first joke beginning with the six words "A guy walks into a bar . . ." was told, or how it went. Nevertheless, an entire genre of jokes has been created revolving around that opening scenario. Here's a sampling of some of the variants that have sprung up, many now involving animals or inanimate objects:A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?"A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "You can come in here, but you better not start anything!"A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus." The bartender asks hi
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.The next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at Sears. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't dec
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. He went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc, but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"The businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain h
Let's start off with one for the ladies cause us guys love ya so!Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.......So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Men, on the other hand, are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Jason is a three year old who loves to play; “What sound does that animal make?”One day while at the petting zoo he did the usual “baaa, baaa” and moo, moo” and
Children - Where Do They Get Their Ideas From? A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive."Dead." she was informed."How do you know?" she asked her pupil."Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" answered the child innocently."You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise."You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.... "Dad....""What?""I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?""No. You had your chance. Lights out."Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad.....""WHAT?""I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??""I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad.....""WHAT!""When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was w
A young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet.As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. Thesign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions."The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions." The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens theinstructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what isspecified:1. Take a shower.2. Splash on some nice perfume.3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frogto do what he has been trained to do.She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.She re-reads the instruction
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed, and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way, and meet here early Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the b
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."The boss says, "You know, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.You got nice house........"-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Wo
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.On the fourth move, she had the man arrested.The case came up in court the judge asked the man (about 20 yearsold) what he had to say for himself.The man replied, " well your Honor, it was like this! When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming", and I grinned.Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling, and I had to smile.Then she placed her self under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under asign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident"...I just lost
Even though it's Thursday, I'm posting early... Oh - and I forgot to update on my Tales From the Scale Week 4...2.2 pounds lost! WOOHOO! This shit is actually working :)Now, onto the funnies...KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO:Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have ElectricityAlaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!Arizona: But It's A Dry HeatArkansas: Literacy Ain't EverythingCalifornia: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your HondaColorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't BotherConnecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-YetDelaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our WaterFlorida: Ask Us About Our GrandkidsGeorgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist ExtremismHawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But LeaveYour Money)Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes SureAre Real GoodIllinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave FreeIowa: We Do Amazing Things With CornKansas: First Of The Rectangl
Yesterday's and today's DUmmie FUnnies are just too good. The First on is about THe Goracle andthe second is about the Revelution after the Live Earth shindig and Michael Moore's Sicko. The revolution has begun. We just hit the tipping...
This dog will make you laugh in 3 seconds! (It did for me anyway!)
If you liked this post, you will love these!Has Anyone Seen My Dog?Hot Dog Mailed Between Sisters for 54 YearsIf Your Cat Messed With My DogIf you liked this post, buy me a beer!Share This
BUMPER STICKERS WE WOULD LIKE TO SEE! * Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole! * Impotence... Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings. * Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. * Save your breath... You'll need it to blow up your date. * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. * I used to have a handle on life... but now it is broken. * Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. * Try not to let your mind wander... It is too small to be out by itself. * Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one. * Jesus is coming, everyone look busy. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Horn broken, watch for finger. * All men are idiots ... I married their king. * My kid had sex with your honor student. * Help wanted, Telepath: you know where to apply. * IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. * I'm just driving this way to piss you off. * Jesus paid for our
Food Fight!Food fights are growing in popularity and intensity following an incident at a high school in Montreal that ended with two students facing assault charges, police say.Students are using the Internet to prepare for the fights, and then posting videos on websites such as YouTube, Montreal police said Thursday.Police say Wednesday's incident was the third food fight at a Montreal-area high school in a week.Two students ages 14 and 16 are expected to be summoned to court in the coming days to face charges for their role in the food fight.Police said the fight got out of hand and turned into a mini-riot that left two school officials and a police officer with minor injuries.More than 20 officers were needed to quell the fight and 12 people were charged with a smorgasbord of offenses!.Lucky Drink!A man wakes up with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sees his clothing
Every once in a while I run across something that I look at and immediately wish that I had written it myself because it's so good! This is one of them from the "Manbottle Library." Unfortunately I have no idea who the author is, but boy, he's good!Anger Management When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.A man answered, saying "Hello. "I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter? "Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong'
I have to laugh at the tee-ball here. Some of the coaches take it so seriously, marking down the plays and keeping track of scoring (even though we aren't supposed to keep score.) We've seen coaches yelling at their players and all kinds of odd things. People, these kids are 5 years old! One of our boys peed his pants as he was squatting down playing the position of catcher! He didn't run to
Today I turn 38, AND it is our 15 year anniversary. For the want to see my 39th birthday, I will state for the record that of my 38 years on this planet, the last 15 of them have been the best years of my life.
Now, onto the funnies.
This morning Maya sang the Happy Birthday song to me. Afterwards, she asked me, "What kind of cake do you want to buy me to eat for your birthday?"
Demetrius wished me a happy 6th birthday. I mentioned to him that if I were 6 then I would be younger than him, and not able to drive the car. These facts are irrelevant. He then asked me what toys I wanted for my birthday. I didn't bite. This is a leading question, if there ever was one, to get Demetrius toys he likes... for my birthday.
The kids have their first swim meet tonight. I attempted to explain what this meant to Maya. Maya swims with her team in the mornings at one pool, then she swims for fun in the afternoons at our subdivision's pool. For 10-15 minutes each hour, at our subdivison pool, the lif
Motherhood is no easy job. There are babies to diaper, toddlers who "tantrum", preschoolers to educate and kindergartners to rein in when the peer pressure strikes. But I have found that there are little moments throughout each day when my kids bless me with little funnies that get me through the day.
Yesterday, in fact, Jay and I were watching one of the Disney Channel shows and she looks
The next Fantasy battle will be BENDER VS MARVIN .They have both been contacted and are up for the challenge, well when I told Bender his initial response was " You can bite my shiny metal ass!!"But after some reassurance that there could be some free beer for the winner he changed his tune and started training for his big day.Marvin's response when I told him was " I suppose a Fantasy battle cant be any worse than being cleaned with a brillow pad" , he then wanted me to listen to his new song that he recorded Marvin's song .This Robot fantasy battle will be ready in a couple of days, so stay tuned .Until then to keep your Geeky SCI -FI juices flowing and give you a laugh check out these two videos .The first one is a commercial from 1976 for star trek toys, and the second well lets just say I really want one "HOLY BLAST OFF !!"
Don’t hire this clown for your next kids party…
Just fly…
Do they have a license for that?
You love these funnies, so don’t forget to vote for fracas. But the sign… yeah.. eeeuw.
Yeah, well you guys got that remote control joke…
(This cartoon received via email. I googled it, and believe credit should go here.)
Well you missed the first night of our comedy hour. What a fun night. If you enjoy comedy and want a night of laughter then don't forget our Wednesday night Captain Whimsy hour. Next week is the Pyramid of geezers. Two guys who play, sing and joke!
They have promised a few other comedians to join us for the Wednesday hours through out the month. We know there are amateurs out there who want to make us laugh! So come join us next week and have some fun.
So I am getting ready to hang some new signs out in the front of the shop. Look for them as you pass by. They wont have our name or logo at least at this time. Tom (my wonderful marketting person) suggested I try a different approach than the signs I currently have. He suggested a picture rather than words. So I have painted some cups of coffee. I hope that just the brightness and the obvious picture will make people see my shop a little better.
Oh look for my brochure while you are on the ferry! They are there finally! If you find the
There are places you just know you don’t want to go to…
And places maybe you ought to try…
There are foods you just shouldn’t think about too much…
And some foods you might think about a lot…
Sometimes people get too much information…
And sometimes they get not enough…
Sometimes people should get a second opinion before going to print…
Sometimes people should get a second opinion before going to production…
And sometimes, it’s just up to us to wonder…
Have a great weekend!
Although these are not greyhound related, they are dog related and I thought they were very funny so wanted to share them with you. Hope they bring a smile to your face today!!
My sister emailed this to me and I thought I’d share it. I really needed a good laugh today - maybe you do, too.
20 Rules To Maintaining A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow [...]
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