Owner: donald james simpson / unbalanced URL:http://9961.blogspot.com Join Date: Sun, 03 Sep 2006 20:53:22 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: you have reached the end of the internet.
a little dry, a little dark, a little bit sick, unbalanced pokes fun at the internet, people, and life itself; more of a humor column than a blog, short daily posts. Site statistics:Click here
USDA PRO CHOICE 2008-02-20 18:57:00 simple as that. ya know, Lot fucked his own daughters inthe Bible... next thing ya know, some babies pop out withwebbed fingers, toes, and a slurry of other Birth Defects.it's true. so, don't fuck Monkeys. or, Farm Animals. or...your dog. or, your Aunt Bertha's Buick. yup. so, the nexttime ya see two Fucktards frolicking in heat, so to speak,well... supposin' ya just go and nab yourself a coathanger,and open a Free Fucktard Abortion Clinic. stop incest now.
PUSH, PUSH 2008-02-19 19:39:00 DOES ANYONE REMEMBER LAUGHTER?I think I do... but... I'm not sure, after finishing a four daymarathon to complete a couple jobs by today's deadline.yup. hey, I gotta say, though, I feel about as good as yon-der Fucktard, in this image. not to mention the fact thatthis post is about 16 hours late... but, say... typing this re-minds me of that film, "The Song Remains the Same"...
ANIMAL HOUSE 2008-02-18 04:04:00 GIMME SHELTERold Patches, here, has the right idea... ... run like Hell. yup. I got this vintage photo via Email. Happy Monday, y'all!
LIFE SUCKS 2008-02-16 05:47:00 ... AND THEN, YOU DIE.that's about all there is to it, I guess. see, I can't decidesomething today... is it better to have to work Saturdayand Sunday to meet a deadline, thereby losing an entireweekend to a job...? OR... is it better to get kicked rightin the fuckin' balls by a whack-job loony in a futuristic-looking Reptilian Disguise? I'm torn. right. off I go, then...
BOX OF CANDY 2008-02-15 04:07:00 THE ST. VALENSHTEIN'S DAY MASSACREjust check out this peach of an image, right off the showroomfloor from our good friends at Russell Shteiner Candy... that'sright, it's the Valenshtein Nugget Sampler! this is as good asit gets, ya know it? oh, yeah. hey, forget about flowers, cards,or stuffed animals. just never you mind about gangsters dis-guised as cops shteining on other gangsters lined up in somegarage.... this is the only way to go this time of year. you bet.$49.95 US; toilet paper, spatula and garden hose not included.
HOLY SHIT 2008-02-14 04:46:00 IT'S THE POPEnot that Nazi-Assed new Pope What's-His-Name,either... this is the real deal, Pope John Paul II, andhe's now sprung back to life... in this here absolutelybrutally shnoogums life-sized Pope Wallpaper! hey,what could be better, ya know it? I mean, sure, he'sdead, and all, but, now, thanks to this little gem, hecan greet you and keep you company, all the live-long day. oh, yeah. click to enrage, then, get one!
OUT TO LUNCH 2008-03-10 11:45:00 TIME TO BLOW CHOWposting today from... work? yup. I had a new hard driveinstalled into the old lappy over the weekend, but it's gota few glitches to work out. so, I took this swell photo forno good reason whatsoever. I'll be doing this for a fewdays 'til things are back to normal, but I'll try to importsome really special stupidity as the week rolls on. did Isay, "glitches"? what I really meant was, "life's a bitch".
SAME OLD SHIT 2008-03-15 12:06:00 DIFFERENT BUCKETwell. the events of the last couple weeks have been fuckedup, to say the least. I picked up a virus at an optimizationsite (NOT a porn site), and the lappy took a shit. after manyefforts to remove the bug failed, I figured it was time to re-place the hard drive (I'd been wanting to upgrade anyhow).that didn't work, so, I've had to replace the machine. sucks.the new one's faster, but I prefer the old one. plus, it'll taketime to set the new one up. one good thing, though, is thatthis machine has a real nice webcam built in, as illustratedin the above graphic, where I was banging my head in com-plete frustration, because I couldn't afford a fucking Mac.
I'M NO DUMMY 2008-03-14 11:24:00 CRASH TEST MOTHERFUCKERthat's right. this here's what a real dummy looks like... allmangled and broken up... all filthy and dirty and stuff. yup.this little guy likes to hang around in the sheet metal shopbehind the office I work in. I went out for a cigarette, andthere he was, so I figured I got to get this photo. hey, I'venever said I didn't work with fucked-up individuals, I neversaid it once. birds of a feather, ya know it? yo, nice splint...
TEN MINUTES LATER... 2008-03-12 09:59:00 ... AND MY BRAIN STILL HURTS...... but, maybe, this blue shtein can help me out. I found thisat Wally World last night. I don't drink Martinis (nor, wouldI ever touch a Mochatini, mind you), but I always have, and,still do love those big old Bomb Pops. oh, yeah. this here's theblue part of those Red, White and Blue treats. nice bottle, too.yup. that's real glass, trust me. I know this to be true, 'causeI broke it over some wino's skull, once I finished off the bottle.
MY BRAIN HURTS 2008-03-11 09:49:00 IT REALLY, REALLY HURTSwow. I haven't posted for three whole days. well, I gots anexcuse. my laptop took a shit a couple weeks back, and, des-pite the fact that there's a new hard drive in it, it's still notworking right. I haven't had any real home internet accesssince Sunday. meantime, through the magic of Blogger, I'mable to post this from the future, so it doesn't even look likeI missed a post in the first place. check back in 10 minutes...
D I N G 2008-03-17 04:34:00 WANNA GET AWAY?I know I do. between work and getting the new lappy setup (plus dealing with the old one), I've been in front of onemachine or another for 16 to 20 hours a day for the last twoweeks, including a pair of overnighters (meaning no sleep).things are getting better. it's just that I haven't had time forpersonal stuff, like email, or buying coffee. that's right, I amout of coffee as of this morning, and that's fucked up. oh, oneother thing. I'm seeing double out of my right eye, due to allthe strain. double your pleasure. double your fun. yup. B-\
AIN'T WE GOT FUN? 2008-03-19 08:10:00 BURN, BABY, BURNnever pass up a genuine photo op, I always say. most days,I have two (2) digital cameras with me... one's in my cellphone, and (my favorite) Secret Weapon, which happenedto come in very handy last night, whilst driving home fromwork. oh, yeah. nice and fresh, the Fire Department wasn'teven there yet. oh, please, click to enrage. yup. say... andwhen you're done, you can check out the Hapless Victims.welcome to the Internets, lady. mmm-hmmm.
SOLID GOLD SHTEIN 2008-03-18 12:38:00 NUMBER ONE WITH A BULLETit gets no better than this... aquitted killer OJ Simpson is tryingto raise himself some money. by singing. this has to be right upthere with when he thought he could be an actor. the track list? 1) "I Can't Stop Gloving You" 2) "Just an Old Fashioned Glove Song" 3) "The Power of Glove" 4) "Don't Tell Me You Glove Me" 5) "I Hate Myself for Gloving You" 6) "Bye Bye Glove" 7) "Killing Me Softly" 8) "Saving All my Glove for You" 9) "How Deep is your Glove?" 10) "When a Man Gloves a Woman"
SHPRUNG 2008-03-21 12:31:00 SHPRING IS IN THE AIRjust ask this guy, who's already got an eyeful of somethingShpring-like. yup. bugged right out of his head, didn't they?this gem of a photo turned up during a recent image searchfor, "Olympic-Grade Eye-Poke". I swear that's true. indeed.come on, and Shpring into action. god, I love the Internets...
SOME DAYS ARE SHIT 2008-03-20 19:21:00 OTHERS ARE A MOTHER FUCKER...... and then, there's the stench of fresh landfill. ugggh. yaknow, I thought I had it bad... that is, until I got a load ofthis load. Research Department, huh? yo, old boy, here, hasa smile on his face. yeah. maybe, to go with the smell on hisface. Christ. the olfactory offense is permeating my monitor.boy, that's just swell, what with Easter comin' up, and all...
IT'S JUST MONDAY 2008-03-24 04:33:00 BUT, IT'S BETTER THAN EASTERyup. I might as well have been on Easter Island yesterday.most weeks I get one chance to get out and run errands orshop for grosseries or what-have-you. this week, it was onSunday. Easter Sunday, at that. every store I had to get towas closed. fuckers. so, what was open? every stinking gasstation, McDonalds and WalMart. which I have avoided oflate. I tell ya, I felt exactly like old boy, here, in this photo...... well, maybe not exactly...
SUNDAY DRIVE ™ 2008-03-23 11:19:00 BLASPHEMY.CLICK HERE FOR MORE BLASPHEMY.
BOYS WILL BE BOYS 2008-03-22 15:53:00 MOVING TIP #48I don't have a clue what the first 47 were, but this one sureis a peach. yup. ya know, that's funny they mention that...why, I can remember being involved in all sorts of cruel andunusual packing tape and duct tape antics... including a sicklittle game of "Head-Pull", as illustrated in the above image.anybody out there movin' today? pay attention, and nobodygets hurt. yet another Pubic Service Announcement brought to you by donald james simpson / unbalanced. click to enrage.
SPAM, SPAM 2008-03-25 11:34:00 I DON'T LIKE SPAMjust never you mind about the photo, here. just ignore thatgiant can of mock-food, there, behind me. oh, and you cancompletely forget the click to enrage feature. I hate Spam.yup. it's true. so, have a happy Tuesday, y'all, and don't eatthis special little Shtein-flavored meat-like snack. don't do it.
INCORRECTO* 2008-03-28 03:34:00 *in·cor·rect·o·mun·do[in-kuh-rekt-oh-moon-doh]1. adjective- not correcto, as to fact-o; el wrong-o.2. adjective- not correcto in form-o, use-o, or style-o.3. adjective- improper-o, unbecoming-o, inappropriat-o:incorrecto behavior-o, you child-boffing bastard-o.Synonyms: it's off to Neverland-o, poor kiddo, el pervert-o,milk-o mustachio no-no, Go-Directly-To-Jail-O, you sick-o.
INCOMMUNICADO* 2008-03-27 20:18:00 *in·com·mu·ni·ca·do [in-kuh-myoo-ni-kah-doh]1. adjective (especially of a prisoner)- deprivedof any communication with others whatsoever.2. adverb- without means or right of communicating with others: a prisoner held incommunicado; incommunicadopig-fucker detainee; short-eyed child molester prison bitch.Synonyms: introverted, ashamed, cretin, convicted felon.
INCOGNITO* 2008-03-26 19:15:00 *in·cog·ni·to [in-kog-nee-toh] 1. adjective - having one's identity concealed, as under anassumed name, especially to avoid notice or formal attentions.2. adverb - with the real identity concealed: to travel incognito.3. noun - a person who is incognito.4. the state of being incognito, usually from fear.5. the disguise or character assumed by an incognito.[Origin: 1630–40; < It < L incognitus unknown, equiv. to in- in-3 +cognitus, ptp. of cognōscere to get to know; see cognition, know1]Synonyms: disguised, undisclosed, unidentified, fuck-stick.
IN UTERO* 2008-03-29 10:45:00 *in u·ter·o [in yoo-tuh-roh]1. noun- in the uterus; unborn.2. adjective- inside the uterus; before birth3. adverb- in the uterus: "the child was in-fected in utero by his filthy unholy mother"Synonyms: Evil Spawn, Demon Child, Devil,Dark Prince, Firstborn of Satan, AntiChrist.
THE BRA BUDDY 2008-04-02 19:22:00 NOW AT WAL-MARTfrom... Tide? I haven't a clue why this piece of plastic costs almost$7.00 (rolled back, mind you, from nearly $8.00!)... 'cept, of course,that it has something to do with... tits. that must be it, yes? so, now,a nice set of jugs is down to seven bucks. huh. good thing for me, I'ma leg man, myself. yup. makes a swell photo op, though, ya know it?
SO, I SHOP ! 2008-04-01 19:28:00 STOCKITY-STOCK-UPhee hee! I like to have fun at the grossery store, no? yes! booo-yaw!so, I was pretty well out of good eats last week, but, then again, it'sbeen a solid four months since I actually stocked up. yup. last week-end, I did. lots of food. including some cans of Shtein Nuggets™, andI'm chompin' at the bit, so to speak. mmmm-hmmmm. good stuff, Iam here to tell you. oh, yeah... click to enrage... then, grab a fork...
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